LUTHERSTADT-EISLEBEN: A couple weeks ago, I was given a tip by one of the members of the Jehovah Witnesses, who was a former student colleague from Leipzig, about an insurance company that provides indulgence coverage for people wishing for a one-way ticket to Heaven upon their passing.
My first impression was a real eye-opener. Germany has been known by many as the place of insurance, where no matter where you go, insurance is like the Bible itself: it is sacred, it is a necessity and it can save your life. That explains the reason why health insurance is compulsory, even when working as a freelancer, a moral must if you want to leave something for your next of kin upon passing, and a pure protector of all your precious goods. And even if insurance takes up 60% of your raw income, in the long term, it can really save and even nurture your life. Pure fact if you want to live in Germany, even for a short time as a student or someone passing through. 🙂
But indulgence insurance???
To understand this, one has to look at this from a Catholic’s point of view. When a person passes on, enroute to the Heavenly gate, he/she is screened for any impurities that was committed while on Earth. If a person happens to commit a sin, regardless of the degree, then that person has to spend time in the Purgatory. The Purgatory is like the Court of Law, where the person is tried on charges of sins that he/she has committed. These sins can include but are not limited to: violating the 10 Commandments, turning away from God and embracing other creatures rejected by Him, saying the Lord’s name in vain in front of a devout believer in Christ, being lazy and not fulfilling the work set forth by the elders, disrecpecting teachers and even breaking a woman’s heart by dumping her for another one. Unlike in the normal courts, where the defendant is found guilty or innocent and the punishment is decided by the judge, pending on the severity of the crime, all people standing trial in the purgatory are pre-programmed to be guilty. And those who are guilty have to spend time in the Purgatory, where hard labor under the scrutiny of the Lord Jesus Christ awaits them. The amount of time spent there is dependent on the sins committed and in the end, if the person is unable to repent and ask for forgiveness, then the next step is witnessing Dante’s Inferno. Yet by working off the sins as debt, the person in the end will enter the Garden of Eden, to live happily ever after.
There is the alternative form which doesn’t necessarily relieve a person of all his/her sins (the guilt remains as a scar), but it guarantees direct passage to Heaven. This is where indulgence comes in. And with that, Jeremy Christians, who sells Indulgence Insurance for JC Insurance. Based in the heart of Martin Luther in the city of Eisleben in Saxony-Anhalt, JC Insurance recently opened its business, providing relief for Christians who fear their future in the afterlife and therefore, would like to have insurance coverage that will spare them the time in the purgatory. I had a chance to interview the agent about how indulgence insurance works and found out some interesting facts about it. For instance,
- Indulgence insurance works like the indulgence that was practiced by the Catholic Church in terms of coverage of all sins committed to date, yet…..
- Indulgence insurance also provides coverage for potentials sins to be committed in the future, regardless of age, gender, socio-economic background and even profession, which means….
- There are several different forms of insurance premiums available pending on the aforementioned pre-existing conditions in nr. 2.
According to Mr. Christians, insurance rates start with a one-time payment of 2000 Euros per person, 3300 Euros for straight couples, 3700 Euros for other couples and 5000 Euros for a family of 4-5 people. Afterwards, insurance carriers only have to pay a monthly base fee of a tenth of the one-time payment PLUS additional payments for the number of sins that had been committed prior to obtaining coverage. A questionnaire with the list of sins is provided when customers wish to purchase indulgence insurance through JC. Yet unlike normal practices where the customers can take their time filling it out on their own, the questions are read to the customers but lie-detector scan is used during the proceedings to scan the brain and facial reactions to determine whether the customer is telling the truth or not. Believe it or not, there is just as much thorough scrutiny with buying indulgence insurance as there is in the Purgatory. The additional payment scale is then used, ranging from 25 cents per count for lying or saying the Lord’s name in vain, to one Euro per count for showing the person the bird (both the German as well as the universal forms), even when displaying it in the form of a cyclist. For serious offenses, like speeding, fighting, protesting at public events, cheating, committing fraud or any of the other offenses that violate the Ten Commandments, the additional payment fees could go as much as ten Euros per offense. In the other words, the most innocent people are the ones that pay the least per month.
But that’s not all! JC also offers a package which covers all sins that could be made in the future, pending on the profession. That means for an additional base price of 300 Euros per month, plus additional fees, a person can be covered form life. Additional Pay Profession scale range from unemployed (which is 10 Euros a month), to teacher (which is 60 Euros) to even a businessman (which is 100 Euros). This does not cover sins done onto another, whose spiritual life is altered permanently. There, the person is permanently dropped from the coverage and is guarenteed direct passage to the Purgatory or even worse.
This really shocked me, but as Mr. Christians mentioned in the interview, with so much corruption going on in society today, many insurance companies, such as JC, are profitting from it, because of a steep increase in demand by those who wish to be cleansed of their sins and given direct passage to the Garden of Eden, dining with God and talking to Jesus in person. This is especially the case as the talk of Judgement Day has skyrocketed since Donald Trump was sworn in as President of the US this past January and white-supremecy is on the war path in Europe, thus destabilizing the global environment, bringing it to the brink of a potential military conflict last seen in 1945. He believes when people buy indulgence insurance, they are protected for life, not just on Earth, but also spiritually.
Yet this brought me to the question of why JC Insurance is selling indulgence insurance in the heart of Martin Luther’s region, namely Eisleben, where he was born and also died. His answer is simple: He wants to prove to the Reformer that this coverage works, and that his arguments of a Purgatory not existing is congruent to the story of The Lady and the Tiger, where the suspect has to open one of the two doors to determine whether he is guilty or innocent- in front of a large crowd in a colliseum.
If interested in buying indulgence insurance, Mr. Christians suggested to call the JC Insurance hotline, for there is no internet, no social network page and the primary location for a nearest agent is next to the lake. One needs to go to the following areas. There a yellow phone can be found on the beach, where a person can call the agent for an appointment. When the agent comes walking on water, you have found the place and can talk about your future, both now and in the afterlife. 🙂
JC Insurance Agents:
Leipzig- Zwenkauer Lake, Lake Markkleeberg
Brandenburg- Lake Plaue
Glauchau- Glauchauer Stausee
Zeulenroda-Triebes- Zeulenrodaer Stausee
Erfurt- Stotterheimer See
Schwerin- Schweriner Innensee
Prien am Chiemsee
Starnberg- Starnberger See
Landshut- Isar Reservoir
More are being established in the coming months. If you want to know more, talk to the agent nearest your place of resident.
Special thanks to Carrie Shofner and Bill Moudry for the photo of the insurance agent, Jesus Christ, portrayed by the latter, a key contribution to only fake news story you will find on this column. But it does serve as small lesson about indulgences and the Purgatory and how Martin Luther criticized the Church about it in his 95 Theses. A link on this topic is in the article.